Thursday, October 20, 2011

What If This Was Your Last Goodbye?

Seriously. What would you say to someone you love?

Well, that you love them, of course. But, sometimes there are other important things that need saying.

My father has a brain tumor. He's been in various stages of getting ill and getting better. But this week was really difficult. He became convinced that he'd be leaving us soon. So, he called his brothers and sisters, and me, (his only child), to try to "get complete".

I don't have to tell you what a hard phone call that was! And, of course, I went over there as fast as I could. Because, whether or not his hunch is accurate, he was experiencing this, as if it were true, and that's big stuff. We cried with each other, talked a while, and hugged. But I left there feeling incomplete.

We are a pretty expressive family. So, I don't think anyone ever, truly, walks around feeling unloved. But somehow, when faced with the possibility of not getting another chance, to say what needs said, I found myself in some serious turmoil about it. I lost lots of sleep over it.

Then today, it was planned, that my step mom and I, (who share October birthdays), had a joint birthday celebration at their house. We planned it to coincide with a visit from two of my Dad's sisters.

My Step-mom cooked lunch, and my Mom bought us both cakes (Yeah, we all get along great.), and I had done all the gift shopping. I know my Step-mom's tastes fairly well, and made choices I thought my Dad would have made for her. He seemed pleased with the choices yesterday, but today he seemed to have forgotten that he'd ever seen them before. He still liked them.

It was a great party. Dad held up great. He enjoyed it more than he thought he would, and said he could even taste the food. Yay!

When I was going to say goodbye, he got teary again, and told me that he couldn't have asked for a better daughter, and that he was proud of me, and what a great job I'd done of parenting my kids.

He tried to say it was all my Mom's credit, that I learned it all from her. But I told him, no, that I had learned a whole lot from him. Just being the kind of person that he is, was such an incredible example to follow, because he was so noble. His honesty, and integrity where always so evident, in all his interactions with others. Even when he made mistakes, it was so clear, that he was trying very hard to do the right thing.

I told him that his being that kind of person, made navigating my life a lot easier. Because, it made bad choices unthinkable, and made my mistakes easier to admit. My Dad was always a really good man.

Even now, as he faces the possibility of death, he does it so unselfishly. He's trying so hard to learn whatever lessons are to be learned from it, and to do whatever he can for all those around him.

It was a very good, and tearful conversation. He said he would sleep well tonight, because of what I had told him. (I was crying pretty hard at this point.) Then, there was the chaos of my kids, my Mom, my husband, my aunts, all hugging and gathering all our stuff, and putting it in the car to leave.

It was hard to say goodbye. But as I was leaving, I realized that I really did feel complete. I guess we figured it out, (at least for the two of us), what needed to be said.

I don't want that to be my last goodbye. But, if it is, it was a really good one.


  1. Dear sweet friend, I am thinking of you and send you all my love. Weather or not it was your last goodbye, he meant what he said and you were able to receive it. He loves you so much and it is obvious how much you love him. My prayers are with you and your family.

  2. Thanks, Sarah.

    You should come visit them with me sometime. You would love them, and her house is a bohemian paradise!

  3. I hope, for you, that it wasn't your last goodbye—but it really would be harder to have a better one....

    Know that you're being thought of, no matter how busy I get....

  4. That was very touching. Thank you for sharing.